Ila Amiri Talks New Single, Musical Theatre & Finding Queer Joy

Rising indie singer-songwriter Ila Amiri stops by The Bulletin to chat about her brand new single, “to the girl i used to know,” how her musical theatre background has influenced her approach to music, her forthcoming EP, and finding queer joy.

Talk to me a bit about “the girl I used to know.”

So, “to the girl i used to know…” I joke that my songs are about the same situation [laughs]. They go through the stages of grief. “Break Someone New” was very clear anger. “Crown” was disbelief, bargaining, all of that. “to the girl i used to know” is acceptance through and through. I had to think about why I was sitting on the floor of my room last year at 3:00 A.M. I had to see her everywhere, so I was hit with those feelings again. I was like, “Why do I care so much? Even after she's broken me, why do I still care about her? Why did I care so much to begin with? Why was I pulling so hard for something that I always knew was not good for me?” Then I started thinking about it, and the basis of it was that she was in the closet and had a boyfriend.

I saw so much of my younger self in her who was so terrified of coming out and viewed the closet as the safe space and the place where nothing could hurt her if she stayed there. The closet is dark and cramped and scary, there's so much weighing down on you in there. When I realized that, I had so much regret and a little bit of guilt for not coming out sooner, even though I came out, like, freshman year of high school to most people and then to my dad senior year. After that, I realized that it was through being out that I could experience true queer joy. With that perspective and with that experience, I realized the closet is not a safe space. I wanted to help her see that. It took me until I was on the floor of my bedroom that night to realize that I can't figure that out for her. It's just not my job, and everything she goes through is going to be on her timeline and I can't do anything about it.

There are a lot of really intentional perspective shifts in this song. What was the writing process like?

I almost always start with the first line or start with the chorus and then work around those two. Usually, I start from the first line, and I just go until the end. I usually don't know what I'm about to write. Songwriting is very much therapy for me, especially because if there's something crowding my head, as soon as it's in a song and the song is done, it's out of my head and onto a page or my notes app, and that compartmentalizes it.

The first line of the song is, “I gave a little too much.” And then — genuinely I hate to admit it — but a lot of what I say is just dictated by what rhymes. “You reminded me so much of the girl I used to know” was just one of those things where, like, okay, well, “know” rhymes [laughs]. I kept writing and then, “if you knew what she knows now,” just happened. And I was like, “that sounds nice.” It's genuinely the least calculated process ever. For the second verse, I started writing about why. And then I realized, “Oh, I'm not talking about the girl anymore. I'm talking about me.” “She” can change to “I.” I wish I could say that it was this genius, prepared, calculated thing, but it really wasn't. It just happened. And I'm really glad it did.

How did the writing process for this track compare to your first two singles?

“Crown” happened in one sitting. “Break Someone New” happened in two sittings. “Crown,” I cranked out in an hour. That was the first song I wrote about any of these feelings, so there was just so much to work with. I decided that I wasn’t going to psychoanalyze it. I’m literally just going to write whatever I feel. With “to the girl i used to know,” I needed to reflect. I’m gonna take a minute, sit down,  and think about what exactly I’m feeling, why I’m feeling it, and what that means.

 Is this new single leading to a full-length project?

I have a project name and a proposed tracklist that keeps changing. There are like four or five staple songs that have been on there and that need to be on there. All of my singles are part of it. “to the girl i used to know” ends the project. The most difficult part is finding producers that make sense. When I go home and when graduation happens, I can actually spend more time on it. And working remotely is hard, so that has put a damper on the progress, but there is definitely a project. It’s going to be called After All You Did, which is a line from “Crown.”

Let’s pretend there’s no bank to break. Who are your dream collaborators in terms of producers, singers, and songwriters?

Philip Etherington seems to be a rock star producer. Miki [Ratsula] has been on my list of dream producer collaborations, so I’m really happy that actually got to happen. I would love to work with FINNEAS. I love what he does with his own music, and Billie’s too. As far as songwriters, I would die to work with Sara Bareilles, JP Saxe, and Julia Michaels. From a singer-songwriter standpoint, Lizzy McAlpine is the dream. The Aces are so not my actual songwriting vibe, but I would love that anyway. Olivia Rodrigo, Joshua Bassett… obviously Harry Styles doesn’t collaborate with anyone, but that would be insane. Maggie Rogers, Phoebe Bridgers, throw Taylor Swift in there. MUNA is great. Reneé Rapp! Reneé is a hilarious beautiful person and has a musical theatre background! I love working with queer people in general.

You brought up your musical theatre background. How does that background influence your vocal choices and songwriting choices?

I think people have trouble believing me when I talk about theatre in high school. I didn't do theatre in high school until junior year, which I regretted. I wish that I'd gotten into it sooner. But then I got to college and really came into my voice. I auditioned for Cabaret, and I got a callback for Fräulein Schneider, but I was terrified of over-committing my freshman fall. It’s my biggest regret of all of college because knowing so much time for the performing arts would be taken away by COVID, I wish I had taken every chance.

I always said that I was a fake theatre kid. I really only knew the shows that were, either super mainstream like Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen, or the shows that I had been in. I didn't even watch Disney princess movies growing up. Back then, the musical genre was High School Musical and Camp Rock. So, I didn't have a lot of those influences growing up until Sara Bareilles wrote Waitress. And then I fell in love. So when I say Sara Bareilles, I also think about Lizzy McAlpine, any of her songs I could hear in a musical. I love the cinematic feel of her music. I try to do that with my own music, but not as much. My music is still for me. I've always wondered if I could write my Waitress or something, but it doesn't affect my songwriting as much. Sometimes I recognize that there's a parallel between the people that I really love and some connection to Broadway.

As far as vocal stuff, again, the big belting and the vibrato and all that… I try to incorporate it more in my music because I feel like when people hear my original stuff they get a nice surprise with the softer side of my voice. It's not like I'm singing someone else's story or this really dramatic “Take Me Or Leave Me” (Rent) moment onstage, this feels a lot softer. I love that part of my music. I do want to keep writing in a way that has those big Adele moments. It's really hard to find that balance when you want to show off, but also want to be delicate in a way. It's something I'm still figuring out.

When you go in to record your songs, does musical theatre impact the way you color your vocals or the way you sing certain phrases?

Until I get into the studio, it's a lot more natural. I've had a few experiences with producers where they've been like, “You could do more with delivery here.” And I'm like, “Damn, you're right.” I try to feel it as much as possible and what comes out, comes out. I like the break on some of my notes that I have, I think it makes it more human and I love to incorporate that. I’m very intentional with what I belt and what stays in my head voice. That is the thing that’s very conscious. I try to have some sort of direction in terms of dynamics and how chesty a note is, but usually, it’s just whatever feels natural. When I get into the studio, I'm like, “Okay, let me be a little more intentional with this because this is, being recorded. There’s only one version of this. I make sure that every little riff makes sense and that it's on purpose. It's not just like, “Oh, let me just show off, to show off.”

What is the No. 1 thing you hope people take away from “to the girl i used to know?”

This song brought me a lot of peace. I hope, especially for other queer people who didn't have the most natural and easy coming out, that it gives some sort of comfort. I hope they take away that your journey is your journey and however it happened is the way that it was meant to happen and the way that it's supposed to happen. However things happen for you, even in a non-coming out, non-queer context, if there's ever something that you went through where you feel like the time you took wasn't valid — it absolutely was.